I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Oh we’ve met.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I didn’t come here to be called names
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*