me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.