It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
2 years later
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
What the hell is going on?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?