If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.