On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral