Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Accurate
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie