Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You Might Also Like
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.