Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list