“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy