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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.