A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?