Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Wise advice
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?