My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Don’t make me out nice you.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Still cracks me up
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.