Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Never ghost your hitman.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Called it
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Choose your fighter