You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
We’re all getting idioter.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Love is always patient and kind.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Breaking news:
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.