Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
You Might Also Like
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.