I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!