Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.