“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.