when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy