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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Breaking news:
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.