My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
is this a threat
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”