What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
still the best tweet of the year by far
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.