Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.