Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Its a hippotatomus
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”