Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
im all 3
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.