Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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only 11 steps left
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Need this in my life lol
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*