The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok