Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.