Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.