Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob