Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
According to math, I’m broke
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.