I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?