SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”