The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
craving $300 all of a sudden
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)