Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
this is literally a CIA plant
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.