“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Check out the legs on this baby
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING