how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
birds and squirrels envy us
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me