Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do