It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Time heals everything 🙂
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.