Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Thursday Thought.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake