Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Message from the dog groomers
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Ovenable?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.