If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”