[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”