Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Lmfao
this is how life feels
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.