Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
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In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
then why did i get this email
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.