[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Fries, not lies.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“just sayin” who asked you though?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Finally!
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
good morning
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?