*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You Might Also Like
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
You saw nothing. I am ham.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Tremendous stuff
Its true…
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.