[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“We will wed,” I threatened
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside