First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
You Might Also Like
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Bless you
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.